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Words This article was inspired by an e-mail I received from one of our WhyWeight subscribers some of which I have included in the content below. Words those intangible objects that have no form or substance, made up of a compilation of letters either in the English language or any other language for that matter. Words have so much power over the human mind and yet you can't feel them or touch them, taste them or smell them. Or can you? Words can destroy. Or words can build. Words can command, evoke fear or give comfort. Words can heal, build self-esteem, or break someone's heart. Words can send armies to war, or stop them in their tracks. Words like "I love you", or "I hate you," can send a person to the heights of happiness and experience blissful joy, or drop you in the pit of despair for years to come. Words can bring about years of conditioning that can't be broken, limiting us in nearsighted, narrow minded perspectives. Words can inspire us, motivate us and encourage us to be more than we are right now. So what makes words so powerful? Is it the actual words themselves, or the people who say them? Is it the tone that is used, the manner in which they are said, or even the circumstances they relate to? Is it our fear of rejection, and our need to be accepted and loved, or is it simply because the person saying them, is in a certain place, feeling certain things, experiencing certain emotions that give power to words? Is it our emotional attachment to certain words due to conditioning that makes some words painful, and some not. I believe its all of this and then more. You are driving down the highway in peak hour traffic, blissfully unaware of what waits over the next rise. Traffic is at a standstill, your heart races, adrenaline pumps and you slam on brakes. The guy behind you has to slam on brakes, but also needs to swerve to avoid a collision. In the next minute a stream of cars come to a standstill. There are no accidents or collisions and a disaster has been avoided. Everyone looks around, a bit sheepish. The guy in the car next to you makes a gesture, one of relief. You smile and nod and indicate that you feel the same way. The woman in front grins knowingly in her rear view mirror almost like she understands, and she does, because two minutes earlier she did the very same thing. The truck driver to your right, sighs and smiles and says, "That was close," because he made space for the guy to swerve and avoid a collision. Tension is released, stress is relieved and everyone will be a bit more careful as they continue on their way. OR You are driving down the highway in peak hour traffic, blissfully unaware of what waits over the next rise. Traffic is at a standstill, your heart races, adrenaline pumps and you slam on brakes. The guy behind you has to slam on brakes, but also needs to swerve to avoid a collision. In the next minute a stream of cars come to a standstill. There are no accidents or collisions and a disaster has been avoided. Everyone looks around, very frustrated. The guy in the car next to you makes a gesture, pulls the finger... at you of all people. You angrily reply and nod and indicate that you feel the same way. The woman in front frowns knowingly in her rear view mirror almost like she understands, and she does, because two minutes earlier she did the very same thing. The truck driver to your right, sighs and frowns and says, "You stupid idiot," because he made space for the guy to swerve and avoid a collision. Tension rises, stress is aggravated and everyone will be a bit more frustrated as they continue on their way. OR You are driving down the highway in peak hour traffic, blissfully unaware of what waits over the next rise. Traffic is at a standstill, your heart races, adrenaline pumps and you slam on brakes. The guy behind you has to slam on brakes, but also needs to swerve to avoid a collision. In the next minute a stream of cars come to a standstill. There are no accidents or collisions and a disaster has been avoided. Everyone looks around, very frustrated. The guy in the car next to you makes a gesture, pulls the finger... at you of all people. You calmly take a deep breathe and nod and indicate that you are sorry. The woman in front smiles sympathetically in her rear view mirror almost like she understands, and she does, because two minutes earlier she did the very same thing. The truck driver to your right, sighs and smiles and says, "It's okay," because he made space for the guy to swerve and avoid a collision. Tension is released, stress is relieved and everyone will be a bit more careful as they continue on their way. OR I could write another dozen scenarios just varying what is said, reactions and counter reactions. The point is, the people in the story don't really know each other, and all they really want to do is get home in one piece. If you have ever driven, some time in your life you will have experienced a similar sort of situation. You might have been sworn at, gestured to, or even counter reacted in a negative way, so who has the power. If you control your innermost needs to strike out in reaction, the negative words won't have the power to influence you. When someone strikes out with negative words - they definitely lose their own power. If you react in a similarly negative manner, you will almost certainly feel diminished by your loss of control. The words themselves are just intangible entities, and only when they have influence on you in a negative way, do they have power. You can counter a negative statement with a positive gesture, smile or make a positive statement - apologise and thereby empower yourself. Eradicating the negative at least to yourself and possibly to those around you. On a more serious note. I received the following, an extract from an e-mail: ‘I have memories of my father calling me a whore since I was 13. Every time he said it, it wasn't true - The first time it happened I went to visit a friend. We stayed in a small town. We had a heat wave and she gave me a skirt to wear that sat about 4 fingers above my knee. Her friends boyfriend was busy washing his car on the corner property He was washing the car and the three of us girls were dancing to the music he was playing. My parents drove past and saw me - I was told that I was dancing like a whore on a street corner. I was subsequently grounded for a year and believe me - I WAS FORCED TO DO THE SENTENCE !! Years later if I went out and came home in the early hours of the morning, I would find ugly messages written in permanent ink on my big mirror in my room - Every time it had to do with being a whore. In my mind I know that it isn't true - I was never a whore. I was never a slut. I wasn't cheap and I did not sleep around. I was a young person enjoying her life, dancing, and going out with friends. The problem in a scenario like this is... who is to blame, who should take responsibility for the words that were said, the hurt that was inflicted, the self-esteem that was destroyed? The years of anguish that have been inflicted on a young girls heart? I think that most people would agree that the father is to blame and that he should take responsibility for his words and his actions. What about the mother? On one level I agree, and yet on another level I blame society and conditioning. I wonder what this father had to endure in his upbringing that would lead him to believe that his daughter's wearing of a mini skirt, dancing in the sun with her friends, this sort of behaviour would indicate to him that she was a whore, so much so that he punished her and then reinforced his litany for years to come. I remember when my children were born, I was determined to be a good mom. I really wanted to do all the things I was supposed to do, ensuring that they grew up with a strong sense of values, high self-esteem and confidence. I wanted them to know daily how much I loved and cared for them. It was a shock when on doing some research, I discovered that I was conditioning my children negatively. How you ask? Well, I used statements like the following:
You might be wondering how statements like this can influence negatively. Well, close your eyes and go back to the time when you were a child and picture in your mind what I am saying, "Don't run in the house. Don't jump on the beds, you will fall and get hurt. Don't climb the tree. No, don't touch." What do you see? If you are picturing the words you will see in your mind, yourself running in the house, yourself jumping on the beds, yourself falling off the bed and getting hurt, yourself climbing a tree, touching something." Research, indicates that as children we see words in a type of visualisation or picture in our minds. Our minds "don't, can't or won't" recognise words like don't, can't or no, but you can definitely picture run, jump, fall, hurt, climb, touch! So, guess what my kids actually did? Even if the young girl was not a whore, didn't sleep around, and all she was really doing was having some fun with her friends. Years of reinforcement by ugly words, taunts and negative statements have done some very hurtful damage to her very tender mind. Although the solution is easy to write about, putting into practice what I have learnt, has taken years of determination and discipline. A will to break years of conditioning that I experienced as a child growing up, and a desire to break limiting common practice that still remains acceptable in our society. So what should I be saying to my children to positively reinforce that they behave in the correct manner?
And what of our young girl, who now as a grown woman, has to try and undo years of verbal abuse, negative reinforcement and conditioning. Even her own statements of denial just add to and reinforce the negative statements said by her father. Each time she says: "Every time it had to do with being a whore. In my mind I know that it isn't true - I was never a whore. I was never a slut. I wasn't cheap and I did not sleep around." - they just give impact to the visual image, and reiterate the negative. Although she is trying to think positively and break and move past this negative experience, the opposite can be in fact what happens. So her alternative is to try something like the following:
As to responsibility, as a father to our young woman, he might never believe he did any wrong, unless we understand his background and upbringing and even then, having not walked in his shoes, how would we understand? Words are indeed powerful because of the way they influence and the way they can condition our minds. As a mother I can blame my parents for the conditioning they inflicted on me, but then they could blame their parents for the conditioning inflicted upon them. Where indeed would it end? What about other relatives, friends, teachers, co-workers, colleagues, the newspapers, radio and television. We would all just blame each other? And in fact sometimes we do. Instead of feeling guilty for the negative conditioning I have inflicted upon my children, I set about trying to rectify the situation. After years of practice I still falter and instinctively I shout out, "Don't run in the house,"....pause and start to say, when I am interrupted by my children saying, "Yes, mom we know, WALK IN THE HOUSE!!" So something has to be working. The challenge for our young woman is to keep moving forward. Daily reinforcing with positive statements, new and positive experiences, thereby positively empowering her belief system. She can't just wipe clean the horrible negative things that were said to her like wiping clean the mirror in her room, she has to neutralise in her mind those negative statements she heard, by hearing positive ones. You can't just remove and create a vacuum you have to neutralise first. So, imagine this, every statement you have ever heard and accepted since the day you are born, remains in your mind. Your mind especially as a young child is like a sponge and it readily soaks up as much as it possibly can. Even as adults, everything we hear, see, touch, taste and smell is like an input into our minds and if accepted these inputs remain there. These inputs are like That's a lot of negatives that have to be neutralised before we start to reinforce the positive. For every 100 negative inputs/statements, you have to add a 100 positive inputs/statements just to get a zero, then by adding a positive you can start conditioning in a positive way. Now, when you are stuck in traffic and someone swears at you or pulls a sign, you react in a likewise fashion not because you dislike the guy, you will probably never see him again, you don't know his name and probably never will, but you react because of your conditioning, because its acceptable to react in the same manner, he did it, well so can you. You might choose to ignore him, but it probably won't make you feel any better. So who has the power, the guy, you or those intangible words. To empower yourself, you have to control that negative reaction, and then do something positive... like smile and say, "I'm sorry". February 2002 Copyright Mands |