Traditions and their Values.....

When my husband and I first got married more then 17 years ago, we had very opposing ‘traditions’ and yet fundamentally our values were the same. Dave my husband was from a very different background and had grown up in very different circumstances. He came from England, and I had grown up in the bush, places like Botswana, Zimbabwe, Malawi and South Africa. Dave went to ‘day’ school and returned home everyday and had a very free childhood. I went to boarding school which was very structured, with three meals per day at specific times - breakfast, lunch and supper, and our routine was ruled by a bell.

I remember clearly on one of our first mornings together, getting up and making breakfast for Dave and then packing a lunch for him to take to work. He never ate the breakfast, and after a week of taking the packed lunch to work - he finally asked me if I ate breakfast and a packed lunch - and on my replying in the negative, (although I do eat fruit for breakfast and usually a fresh salad for lunch ;o), he acknowledged that neither did he. Our relationship was such that we had a good laugh and agreed that a cooked breakfast and a packed lunch, was less important then me spending an hour chatting to him while he went through his morning rituals - one I was grateful for when morning sickness from my first pregnancy became something of a priority.

At our first few Christmas’s together we realised that neither of our family traditions would work - Dave having always experienced Christmas during the winter, with hot cooked meals, roast meat, vegetables and puddings with all the traditional fare just didn’t work for me. I didn’t particularly enjoy the preparing or eating of that sort of food, or cleaning the resulting mess. I had always had Christmas at the beach, which usually consisted of seafood or something exotic like prawns, crayfish or lobster, this didn’t work for Dave as he doesn’t particularly like shellfish. We tried various alternatives like a cooked traditional meal, going to a restaurant and even sharing Christmas meals with family and friends. As the years have passed and our children have grown, we have decided that Christmas is for them, and so we usually let them choose how the day will happen.

I think sometimes we get locked in traditions and we loose the value of what is important. I know a married couple, who if the husband wants to go to bed and sleep, his wife has to go with him, whether she wants to or not. This has caused endless conflict and arguments for them. I was witness to one of their arguments relating to this issue, and when they both turned to me I asked a question that left them both at a loss for words. I simply asked the husband why he felt it necessary that his wife go to bed at the same time as he did? After a 30 minute discussion, he realised that it was one of the things that his father insisted his mother do, and that he had inadvertently just brought this ‘tradition’ into his marriage, not even questioning what he was doing or why?

The questioning of the value of this tradition, brought about an open and truthful conversation, and the couple was able to resolve their conflict by just realising it no longer served them.

Does any of this sound familiar?

• What do you do in your life that your parents have always done?
• What routine things do you do without knowing why you do them that way?
• Where do you feel trapped in thinking and activities that are no longer serving you?
• Our lives are made up of minor and major habits that limit our options.
  How are they holding you back from experiencing more of life?

Just because other people do things a certain way, or your parents always did things one way, why is it necessary for us to do them that way, especially if they do not serve you or help your growth and happiness in any way?

Even if ‘we have always done it this way’ what stops us trying something new, or doing something different. If a tradition makes you feel trapped, or it’s something you seldom enjoy, or it even makes you unhappy and causes you stress - isn’t it time to challenge the tradition and question that way of thinking.

A story shares how a number of generations of one family all sliced the ends off a ham before it was roasted. No one knew why - it had always been done that way and so the tradition continued. One day, though, someone thought to ask great grandmother why the ham ends were removed. She replied that her roasting pan had been too small - she'd trimmed the ham so it would fit.

"We've always done it this way."

And the implication is: it must be right.

But is it?

According to John Robson and Patrice Steen “We build awareness when we begin to challenge why we do the many little and big things that fill up our days and consume our lives. This becomes particularly important when we decide to live more soulfully. We discover that so many of the beliefs we've learned to view as 'a fact of life' are in fact, not necessarily true.

Soul lives through qualities like love, creativity, spontaneity, freedom, joy and passion. Soul actions and perspectives are always fresh. Our cultures and our families have handed down different maps of reality that severely limit our experience and our true expression. It doesn't really matter if we cut the ends of the ham off or not. But some traditions have a huge impact on our lives.”

I have discovered that it is more important that as a family we create our own traditions. Traditions that have value.

I have been attending a workshop on a Friday afternoon which directly conflicts with one of my families weekly traditions. Almost every Friday for the last ten years we have what we call ‘family time’. Basically on a Friday at
4:00 pm we turn all the computers off, we turn cellphones off and answering machines on. We sit down as a family and have a meal that is relatively quiet, we watch a little TV, we sometimes leave the TV off, and just chat about our week, we play a board game, or read a book aloud. Sometimes we have a braai and watch the sunset, or go to the beach, weather permitting. Sometimes we get some videos/DVDs and just sit and cuddle all five of us. What we do isn’t really important, what is important is that we do it together and that we have a closeness that we all feel.

We have come to realise the value of this weekly tradition after not having it for the last five weeks. Each of us has missed the time together, the closeness and yes the value of the tradition we have made our own. What we needed to question was WHY it has to be just on a Friday afternoon. So last week, we went off to the beach on a Thursday at lunch time, and had our family time then. Even if a tradition has served you well for ten years, you can change it slightly to fit into a current situation, so that it continues to serve you well.

Traditions that inhibit our growth, cause anxiety and stress, and keep us locked in the same place and way of thinking need to be questioned. Why do I do this? Why do I have to do it this way? Is there a better way, time or place to do this?

Traditions we believe are important can enhance our lives as long as they continue to serve us. Traditions that serve us can create balance, harmony and happiness.