Are you too nice?

Are you so afraid of being nasty that you're suffering? Could your niceness be making you unhappy, or even ill? Here's how to tackle your "too nice" factor and empower your relationships.

Breaking free from the nice factor
If you feel you're too nice for your own good, try the following exercises whenever you feel yourself about to give in to another unfair demand from someone:

• Buy yourself time by not responding immediately. Take a deep breath and think before you answer. Say: "I need to think about this for a little while."
• Get your "no" in quickly. As soon as an unfair demand is made of you, just say "no" – then you can apologise once for having to refuse, but don't back down.
• Recognise that you have the right to change your mind and refuse to do something you initially agreed to do – even if it's days or weeks later. You may feel very guilty about it, but you have a God-given right not to do what isn't right for you.
• Don't smile when you say something serious. Most people totally dilute their arguments by smiling when they're trying to be firm and assertive.
• If someone creates a gap in the conversation hoping you'll fill it by offering to help (for example: "I don't know how I'm going to cope this month – I'm really broke, and it's another week to pay-day..."), resist the impulse. It's not your job to save the world.
• Maintain eye contact. This can be difficult for nice people, but you have to look someone straight in the eyes to get your message across firmly.
• Use body language. Stand tall, with your shoulders back. Try to avoid sitting if the person you're talking to is standing it can feel overpowering.
• Speak firmly, not loudly. You don't need to shout to make your point. Keep breathing (a common mistake we make is to hold our breath when we're tense) and speak slowly, but steadily.
• Tell the truth. Be prepared to be honest – if you don't like what someone's doing or saying, you have to tell them. Be polite, but perfectly clear. Start sentences with how you feel, rather than what's wrong with the other person.
• Don't expect to be firm and able to say ‘No’ to unfair demands overnight! It's a slow process and you need to build up your self-confidence, not only with people you know, but with strangers (those who butt into a queue ahead of you, interrupt your conversations with others, barge past you in supermarkets, make telemarketing calls to your home, etc).

Where does self-assertiveness begin?
A Johannesburg psychiatrist, who does not wish to be named, says the ability to say "no" begins when we're still children.

“Some parents drum into their kids – particularly their daughters – that children should be 'seen and not heard'. This is frequently misinterpreted to the point where children believe being well-mannered means being 100% compliant with everyone else's wishes.”

“It's important to teach kids the difference between courtesy and self-effacing behaviour: you never have to be rude, but you do need to be firm about stating your needs,” he says. “Make it clear to your children that they have a right to refuse requests – for example, from their friends or siblings – without feeling guilty about it.”

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