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15th May 2006, Memories of Motherhood On Sunday morning the 7th May, my daughter woke in a panic, exclaiming she had ‘forgotten’ Mother’s Day... and how could she do that, I was such a wonderful Mom! Since everyone else in the family was still sleeping peacefully, I quietly reassured her that Mother’s Day was only the following week, and she still had plenty of time to prepare, especially since she is such an amazing daughter ;o). During the course of the following week, as the Autumn energy of reflection has deepened to that of Winter contemplation, my thoughts and feelings have been focused on my memories of being a Mother. Relatively speaking, my weight to a degree has been synchronistic with that relationship in a physical and emotional sense. When I first got pregnant with my eldest son, Wes, now a young man of 17 and 6’ 4” tall, my weight increased little, as morning sickness plagued me 24/7, and it was only towards the later part of my pregnancy that my weight increased sufficiently. After his birth my weight decreased rapidly, as he was a very demanding baby for a young first Mom. Caring for a demanding child and being a stay at home Mom, kept me busy and active enough to keep me slim and trim, and relatively healthy and happy. After two years, a miscarriage and the need for another child, my Gyne informed me that despite my good health, I was too thin and I weighed too little to be able to get pregnant with any ease. Even though I agreed with my Gyne as I weighed little more than 54 kg’s, I was a determined young woman, my husband often commenting that “stubbornness’’ is a more appropriate description, *Grin* and in just a month I had increased my weight by 10 kg’s, and was pregnant, to my absolute joy! Despite an extremely difficult pregnancy, I was determined to do whatever was needed to stay pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby. After the birth of our son, Jordy, now 14 with signs of teenage rebellion, my weight was the least of my concerns as I revelled in the joy of motherhood.... and during the course of breast-feeding and caring for our family, taking care of our home and now having two young boys to nurture, my weight which had increased to 76 kg’s during my pregnancy, naturally eased off during the following year. When Jordy was just a year old, I returned to work for the first time since getting married, and the heartache of leaving my baby with a day mother, caused me enormous frustration and concern. Even though Wes had been attending nursery school for a couple of years already, I had still collected him at lunch time and spent the afternoon with him and his baby brother. Our afternoons were idyllic, spent in the garden digging, making roads and mud puddles, playing on the jungle gym or in the sand pit. These were afternoons of fun and laughter that I missed terribly, my frustration at work causing me to munch and nibble on less than healthy take-aways and snacks, my weight roller coasting up and down. After only six months, I decided that there had to be a better way to supplement our income, and allow me to spend time with my sons being the mother I have always wanted to be. Fortunately my husband secured a job with a higher income, and after a few months at home being Wife and Mom, my weight and health stabilised. I also managed to secure a position with flexible hours and a wonderful caregiver that allowed me to work and spend plenty of time being a Mom. Once more my afternoons were spent with my sons playing and working in the garden, splashing in the play pool and building castles in the sand pit. My health and weight being stable for the duration. They were happy days with many happy memories created with my family. Despite these happy days ;o) or maybe because of them - I realised that because of my childhood and younger years, some of my experiences had caused me deep hurt and emotional issues with my body. I decided I was mature enough, strong and courageous enough to finally face some of these issues and heal the ‘love - hate’ relationship I had with my body. With the love and support of my husband, and embraced in the nurture and care of my family, I started my healing process. In reflection I realise, had I been alone, without the sanctity and security of my family, I would never have had the tenacity, determination or the courage to start, persevere and continue through the darkness and despair of facing my most painful memories. Allowing myself this time to heal, meant allowing myself to feel emotions long denied. Acknowledging and celebrating my humanness and that of the people who had hurt me, allowed me to forgive them and myself, and release and let go of long buried feelings of hurt and resentment - feelings so deeply buried in my psyche, that I hadn’t even been aware of some of them in my day to day happiness, and I wondered at times why I had dredged all this old stuff up to haunt my days and my nights. In my darkest moments, it was a sloppy kiss from Wes and a cuddle with Jordy that allowed me the courage to continue peeling back the layers of hurt. It was during the long night hours as Dave held me in his embrace that gave me the courage to share with him all that I had endured in my childhood, and his unconditional love and acceptance that allowed me the strength to persevere during this challenging time. Although it felt like an endless time of heartache, while I was going through this healing process, (my greatest concern being what my family was having to cope with during this period), yet in reality it was only six months when I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. One morning I woke up feeling better, and consciously decided to have a great day. So off we went to the Zoo, and spent the day in the sunshine, laughing and sharing a magical day. I decided that the best way to ease the hurt and burden of hurtful childhood memories - since it seemed unlikely that I would ever eradicate them completely from my memory, was simply to create new ones. Happier memories that filled my my mind and touched my heart. Memories that filled my days with laughter and love and sharing with my husband and sons. Days that filled my senses with wonderful sensations; watching my sons and their dad playing rough and tumble on the grass and hearing their enthusiastic laughter. Being overwhelmed when they charged and grabbed me, tickling me until I was a heap on the floor amidst legs and arms. Evening cuddles and bedtime stories. Water fights in the garden on hot days, mud puddles and mud pie fights and then flooded bathrooms while we all tried to get clean. Picnics in the garden and evening meals in front of the TV. With each new memory we created, my heart was filled with love and my self-esteem was empowered. I felt stronger and more courageous than I ever had before. I felt loved and embraced in this wonderful nurturing of family that each of us was part of. I felt whole and I embraced my life and all my experiences, realising that each and every experience had shaped and allowed me to be the person I was, and I liked who I was. I started to realise how loving myself, allowed me to love the life I had, and the healing of the relationship I had with my body freed me to experience the miracle of the gift of living in each magical moment. Even with the concern of my husband and doctor, I wanted another child, a daughter. I understood the health implications, as the struggle during both my pregnancies had caused me months of bed rest, huge medical bills and I knew that another pregnancy would be even more challenging with two young sons. When my Gyne declared I was my most healthiest, my husband was willing to lovingly support my newest endeavour. *Grin* Although, it took a few months, and even though this pregnancy was even more difficult than my previous two, I was radiant with anticipation. My morning sickness and nausea lasted 24/7 and for the seven and half months of my pregnancy.... my barely increasing weight and size a major concern, so I ate 10 to 12 snacks a day, lots of fruit and salads, raw vegetables and veggie juice, and vegetable soups, and when I was very nauseous I ate Maire biscuits and drank black Rooibos tea. When I was four months pregnant, I started to miscarry, losing one of the twins I was carrying. Although I was already on hormone medication to try and stabilise my pregnancy, my heart broke at this loss. As Dave and our sons embraced me in their love and hugs, cuddles and kisses, I determined to do whatever I needed to hold onto this child. Months in bed, eating the right food, no exercise of any kind.... and still our daughter was born five weeks early! However, our daughter was born healthy, and the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. I felt whole and filled with awe and I knew our family was complete. After only 48 hours in the hospital, I went home in a happy haze of love. Those first few months after Jess was born, were a magical time of love and laughter for our family and my days were filled with being a Mom to Jess, Jordy and Wes, and I revelled in the love that Dave and I shared. Even though my weight had only increased 10 kg’s during my pregnancy with Jess, my weight only shifted a couple of kilograms after her birth, yet the bigger problem was my size, due to the months of forced inactivity and having to stay in bed, I felt like a balloon around the middle, and my stretch marks looked red and unforgiving. Despite the loss of my slim and trim shape, almost 8 kg’s of extra weight and having stretch marks all over, (a challenging problem since I had only experienced very small stretch marks with my other pregnancy’s) a much bigger Caesarean scar - I was happier than I had ever been before. Having tried to breast-feed Wes unsuccessfully for six weeks after he was born, and having enjoyed breast-feeding Jordy for four months, until I was forced to stop due to hormone imbalances that had a severe effect on my health and started to cause depression, I was determined to struggle through all the challenges and breast-feed Jess. The months of bed rest had left plenty of time for me to read and research how to ensure that I could successfully breast-feed Jess. I endured the munching pirañas that seemed to cause tearing pain in my stomach as my uterus contracted while breast feeding. I even had to place Jess on a pillow while I leaned over to feed her, to try and avoid the pain caused by my caesarian scar. Even after all the topless sun tanning - my Gyne’s best advice to toughen the nipples for breast-feeding, (and it really is one of the best ways, since I have tried most of them ;o) my nipples still cracked and bled for the first few weeks, and when your breasts become so engorged in the first few days, trust me when I say cabbage leaves are the best relief, despite the advancement in medical research and scientific discovery. Regardless of the awful smell of warm cabbage leaves, the instant relief is worth the aroma *Grin* - even if only in the privacy of your own home. So my weight and size in the first few weeks after Jess was born was of little concern, and even though the pain was numbing at times, the love I felt for Jess and Dave and our sons, was all empowering and I found myself embraced in the happiness and pure joy of being alive. It was a magical memorable time filled with love and laughter. Without realising and without any effort, other than eating well, resting and relaxing with my family, enjoying my days, taking care of my family, exercising in the normal course of family living, my weight eased off slowly while I breast-feed Jess for 18 months. *Grin* Then once again, my body rebelled, my hormones did a complete turnaround and in just a few weeks I was very ill. I needed to make some choices about my life-style, even though it was relatively healthy, my challenging pregnancy and months of breast-feeding had taken a toll on my body, without me even realising what was happening. I was a stay at home Mom, although I had my own home business (long before it was fashionable ;o) which had it’s own challenges, I was involved in lots of community and service projects, I helped with our sons nursery school plays and projects, I also fetched them from school and spent the afternoons with them - or took them to karate classes and other extra activities in the afternoon, I taught classes at church, Dave sometimes fetched the boys from school, bringing home friends children to spend the afternoon, and I did all my own house chores. I determined to heal my body, as I had once healed my heart..... even though this time it felt much more difficult. I discovered that in my enthusiasm and love for life I seldom said NO to anyone, although I think I probably said Yes to everyone who asked me for a favour or to be involved in a project. I realised that even though I had stopped breast-feeding Jess, and with the help of medication, after six months I was still struggling to heal and my health was getting worse, the signs of fatigue and stress increasing on my body. When Jess turned two I realised that eating the right food and having a physically active lifestyle wasn’t enough. My life was so busy with things to do, and commitments to fulfil that overnight I was overwhelmed by the chaos that seemed to fill my life. I definitely needed a reality check. Dave and I packed some bags and off we went to the bush for a week long holiday and a well deserved break. Jess was two and half and enthralled by the wild life we encountered on our game drives, especially the ‘white and black striped horses’ - zebras! Jordy at six and half and Wes then nine, enjoyed exploring with Dave the wildness of the bush that surrounded us, while Jess and I enjoyed peace and tranquility while spending time together. During this time of reflection and tranquility, I realised that because of my deep happiness and the profound joy I had experienced after my time of healing, I was so grateful for the gift of my life, that I was willing to share all of who I was, and much of my time and resources, with anyone who asked me for help. This in and of itself was a good thing, however, sometimes I tend to do things in their extreme (often in my younger years ;o). I realised that one of the lessons I most needed to learn was balance and learning to say NO. In my enthusiasm, I had agreed to, too much, and the chaos of my life and ill health was the result. Since I am 5’ 8” my weight at 54 kg’s was dangerously low and after my Gyne received the results of my many blood tests, and in an effort to make me realise the severity of my ill health and get my attention - described me as a walking corpse - harsh I know! However, he did finally get my attention, and even though he was a doctor I had trusted to care for me during three pregnancy’s and successfully delivered my three wonderful children, even he wouldn’t decide what course of action I needed to follow to restore my health, making me responsible for my own body. I could no longer deny or ignore my body, and the holiday in the bush was as much a time to enjoy family sharing, as time for me to make decisions. The worst part of what I was experiencing, was that I had allowed this to happen. I had willingly worked long hours into the night to meet the needs of my customers deadlines - sometimes to the extent that I only slept for eight to twelve hours in a seven day week. I was determined to be a good Mom, and so ensured that I was the first person awake in the morning, (no matter how much or how little or even if I had slept) taking care of the morning rituals and saying good-bye to Dave and the children when he left to take them to school and go to work. I worked at home in the mornings, doing household chores in between, collected the kids from school often bringing home their friends, as their mothers worked - the irony of the fact that I worked as well, not escaping me during this time of contemplation, except that no one really considered what I was doing work because I ‘worked at home’ - fed them lunch, supervised homework, did some more chores, shopped, taxied kids around to afternoon activities, did some more chores, bathed the kids and prepared supper. Then greeted my husband with a loving kiss or a state of exhaustion - which ever was more appropriate. Plus, I was involved in all the school, church, community and service projects that I had committed to which involved between another eight and twelve hours a week, sometimes more... No wonder I never slept. In retrospect, I realised that what I achieved and accomplished during these four years was due to my absolute determination and tenacity, and more so the love, help and support of Dave and my children. It never mattered if I was painting palm trees for the nursery school play, preparing the adverts, invitations and agenda’s for a charity ball that needed to be folded, wrapping presents for a children’s home, changing nappies, helping with Jess as a baby, washing dishes or weeding the veggie garden.... they had willingly helped and shared in all my endeavours, without complaint and with much support, love and laughter. After our week holiday and on returning home, I vowed to learn to say NO! As I completed projects and fulfilled commitments, I cleared time in my day and went to bed at 8:00 pm with our children. I stopped agreeing to anymore school, service and community projects, and had more time with Dave and our children. In a moment of creative inspiration, I asked Dave to cook the evening meal as I had been doing it for the first ten years of our marriage and suggested it was his turn.... and he willingly agreed *Grin* (something he still does and the shopping too ;o)..... since that worked so well, I suggested to Wes and Jordy that they were big boys and they could do more chores (adding the commitment of pocket money as an incentive ;o) - which of course they thought was wonderful. I got help with the house for two days a week, and spent the time with Wes, Jordy and Jess in the garden enjoying the sunshine with them. I stopped agreeing to unreasonable demands to baby sit in the afternoons, transporting kids and being taxi driver. I turned down jobs with ludicrous deadlines, losing some of my best customers, then eventually decided to shut my business, cancelling the telephone. It took six months but I cleared my life... and then surrendered to the physical pain I was feeling and allowed myself time to heal. For the next few months I stayed home, never leaving the house, and the only people in my life were Dave, Wes, Jordy and Jess.... I took a sabbatical, I hibernated from the world completely.... and it was absolute bliss! Extreme I know..... it was the only way I knew at the time *Grin*! Each day, I healed a little more physically and revelled in the love and security of my family. Dave and I spent hours talking about anything and everything.... and we had fun with the kids. Even when Dave took the kids to the park or shopping, I stayed home.... it was wonderful! I spent hours in reflection and contemplating my life. I discovered a deep inner beauty and a well of courage from within. I learnt to meditate, finding stillness and tranquility at my centre and connecting to an undiscovered power at my core. I accepted myself, body, mind, heart and soul... and started a journey to love all of me, past, present and future as well. As I healed and my energy and vitality increased, I realised how ill I had been, and an appreciation and gratitude for my family and for the gift of life filled and overflowed from my heart. This time was not without cost.... as the loss of income from the business put a severe strain on our budget, and sacrifices were made by each of us. Dave willingly carried our financial responsibilities and financed a new business for me in time. When I started going out into the world again.... simple things like shopping or a walk in the park, filled me with wonder.... colours seemed brighter, sounds seemed more distinct.... and my friends were in awe of what they claimed was my transformation, having not seen me for nearly a year. I was strong and healthy, my weight and health stable and I knew in that time I radiated a joy from within that shone as bright as the sun... the love between Dave and I had deepened, strengthening our marriage and giving me a new confidence within myself. Wes, Jordy and Jess thrived in this loving ambience and I enjoyed the simple pleasure of being a Wife and a Mom, the sanctity of our family my first priority. Even though I enjoyed my new business, I maintained a balance without allowing it to consume me.... taking time for myself, enjoying time alone with Dave and ensuring that we spent time together as a family. I ate well and made sure I had enough exercise and sleep. It was a blissful few years when I discovered new creative ideas, experimenting and exploring... some of them disasters and some of them successful endeavours - accepting both as a part of life’s experiences. I woke up in the morning bubbling with the excitement of being alive and revelled in the moment to moment happiness and joy that I experienced. I also discovered a love of writing, something that was a very new experience for me, and although initially I kept what I had written to myself, I started to share with Dave and slowly over time I started sharing through email with friends and publishing on a website.... I was amazed at the support and positive reaction I received, sometimes from complete strangers, even when I was writing what I thought was the most simple of things ;o) On the 31st December 2000, I wrote this.... What I have learnt.... I now have an understanding that the things that I have experienced although sometimes painful, they have had an influence on the person that I am - and I am learning to love who I am. Those experiences have taught me what I know and so have allowed me to do what I do - and I love what I do! The people that I have met along my journey, although sometimes those relationships are no more, each and every one has taught me something, and therefore hopefully, I have learnt from those experiences and relationships. To the people who have shared their experiences with me, some of what I have learnt I owe to you, your sharing has enabled me in turn to share with others and so broaden all our understanding........ The continued support and encouragement of the people close to me has allowed me to develop and grow, and also to find the hidden depths I continually seek......... My children who continually teach me new things each day, and remind me constantly that life is for the living. They are both my inspiration and my motivation. They teach me balance and harmony in ways I could never have imagined. I have learnt frustration and pleasure, sadness and joy, how small they sometimes make me feel, and how incredibly unlimited I can strive to be - unleashing the giant within. My children have taught me unconditional love, unconditional forgiveness and unconditional acceptance. Dave my best friend, husband and lover. My most positive critic and generous admirer. The shoulder I cry on, the person who makes things right when I find it impossible to continue. The person who pushes me and also pulls, and walks right beside me when I need it the most. Who leads when I want to BE, who follows when I shine, and catches me when I fall. Who goads, teases and bullies when needs be, and also laughs and listens when what I say isn't funny or worth listening to, but does it anyway because he loves me and everything that I am. Who does the things I hate, and lets me do the things he loves to do. Who taught me by example, loves me unconditionally, forgives me always, and shows me the potential he sees within me. Who never tears down and continues to build. Thank you to you all! I would have happily kept things exactly as they were... at the time I was too embraced in my cocoon of love and probably a little naive to appreciate that life needs to change so that we can experience all of life’s lessons.... and so struggled and fought against the winds of change. The first significant change that reeked havoc on our life, was the repercussions and ripples of the September 11 bombings in the USA. While many of us watched the repeated viewing of what happened on the TV news, few of us anticipated the long term seemingly unrelated effects. I for one never even considered what effect it might have on my import business. The delays in getting products, the deteriorating Rand against the US$ and escalating costs should have been a sign for me to make some changes, however they just made me more determined (stubborn ;o) to work more effectively and make a success of my business. When we had our first break-in (the first in 7 years of living in our home) and a note book PC was stolen with all my business data, then we lost a shipment of stock, still I struggled determinedly to continue. Having used all our savings, I wanted so much to maintain what we had, so with a positive attitude and an unshakeable belief in the good I was doing with my business, I started to loan money to restore the business we had once enjoyed.... to the extent that during the course of the next 18 months, I borrowed money to the value of all the equity we had built in ten years..... at sometime, I decided enough was enough and this craziness had to stop.... and so I did. Whilst at the time I was resentful of how hard I had worked and eventually struggled to maintain the business and life we had so enjoyed.... in retrospect I am grateful for the lessons I learned.... and that I am still learning. As a Wife and a Mother I had learnt early in my marriage and motherhood, to listen to others with due respect and honour, and then to follow my own heart and intuition. Doing what was right from listening within. Even though my first business was a success, I knew when it was time to move on to something else by listening to my own inner wisdom... this time however, I was blinded by others advice and probably too determined to listen to my own inner caution. A lesson I have hopefully learnt well now! *Grin* The second significant thing to happen during this time... which I was totally unprepared for.... was that even though Wes had been hyperactive most of his life, never sleeping during the day since the day he was born, unless held closely by Dave or I, he was an enthusiastic, bright, loving and kind-hearted child, if somewhat demanding and wanting to always be first which Jordy and Jess allowed, He went to sleep one night the wonderful, endearing child we loved and woke up the next morning a teenage monster. At first we thought it was just a short phase he was going through, and I struggled to reconcile the child I had known for all of his life with the angry, resentful, rude and belligerent child that now spoke to me like I knew absolutely nothing. Without realising what I was doing, I focused inwards for solutions, and finding none felt a deep guilt in having somehow failed as a mother. This was a time of great frustration and anxiety for me as a mother which affected each of us as a family and as individuals. It also affected me profoundly as a business woman. I questioned every decision I made a hundred times before I made it, and then doubted myself some more.... the business of helping people - while doubting myself, proved an unwilling partnership.... and so after another 18 months of struggle, I decided that my life had blown a tornado long enough for me to stop, listen and take note, and it was obviously time for some changes. In less than a week of deciding to sell our home, we had an offer for our asking price, and in less than two months we had sorted all our worldly belongings, given away, thrown out and stored what we wanted to keep.... and set out on an adventure to discover a different life. Our trip to the Cape from Johannesburg has indeed been an adventure.... with lots of twists and turns, up hills and enjoying the view from the mountain top. As a Wife I have been challenged to grow, to empower my womanhood and creativity, and seek depths in my femininity. I discovered how difficult it was to leave our home in Johannesburg, to let go of everything that was familiar and that I loved so much.... and that only with Dave and his help, support and love have I been able to finally do this. I discovered, that although challenging and sometimes difficult, keeping the WhyWeight website, being able to write and create in a different way to what it was before, and enjoying the relationships I share through email with my subscribers who have become my friends has been a blessing I am deeply grateful for. My greatest challenge in the last three years has been.... to be a Mom to the children I love more than life itself. Jess having only memories of our home in Johannesburg, her swing and jungle gym, enjoying private space in the sanctuary of our garden and her very own tree, adjusted the most easily of all. Jess is fortunate that she makes friends easily where ever she goes. If she ventures to the beach for a morning swim, she will make friends with who ever is there - usually children between the ages of 6 months to 16 *Grin*. She is well known and well liked in the small town where we live, and most people watch out for her even though she has to go everywhere with one of us. She greets everyone with a smile and lots of people with her warm embracing hugs. She does well at school, loves her teachers and friends, enjoys horse riding twice a week, goes to karate with me twice a week and joins me for lunch at the bookshop where I work on week-ends. She has even adopted an honourary grandmother. Jess is a well-balanced, well-adjusted, loving and happy child. Jordy like me finds it much more difficult to meet people for the first time, and leaving his best friend of five years was a difficult and very painful experience for him. Attending a dual medium school was a nightmare for Jordy, and his sense of fair play and standing up for those weaker than the bullies of the playground, had him coming home on more than one occasion with bruises and scrapes. My need to protect him from the harshness of the world and to honour his right to manage his own life, has been a struggle that has kept me up at night and I have given vent to frustrating tears in the quiet solitude of the early hours of morning. The stress of Jordy’s challenging time of growth, his obvious frustration yet determination to work things out for himself, has made me feel at times completely helpless and at other times very proud and honoured to be his mother. The profoundly intelligent conversations I have shared with Jordy in the last couple of years (although few and far between ;o) has inspired my own growth and some of the best creative work and writing I feel I have ever done. With relief Jordy started high school this year, at a private home teaching facility, where he is doing better than even I had expected in this short time. And more importantly, the moody young teenager that was becoming more reclusive with each passing week, is now a much more balanced, likeable more often loveable young man with a wicked sense of humour, shining intelligence and a developing confidence in himself. He even leaves his PC twice a week to join me at my karate classes, and goads and encourages me when I would rather stay at home. Wes in teenage rebellion has been a force to be reckoned with, and the frustration of being his Mom in the last few years has added lines to my face, grey to my hair, kilograms to my weight and inches to my size. The roller coaster ride of my up and down weight in synchronisation with the frustration and hopelessness I have felt during this time... my sleepless nights and worry and our arguments, angry words and stubborn determination to each stand our ground on any issue, a tangible thing I seemed to have held at the very core of my being.... my nurturing, feminine power, my creative core protected by the increasing weight on my waist, tummy, hips and thighs. In retrospect I realise the mistakes I have made as his mother during this time.... I have taken all of Wes’ outbursts and angry frustrated words so very personally. I have questioned my example as a mother, because of his rudeness and lack of consideration, my guilt growing with this focus. I have reflected for hours at a time the moral’s I have taught him, the lessons I have endeared to him and the foundation of his values. Without realising that sometime along this journey, he has to grow from being my child to being his own person, a young man of worth and value, even though he will always be my son. I have judged myself as a mother, rather than accepting Wes as growing from a young child, through the frustration of being a teenager to become a young man in his own right and time. During these five months of 2006, I have determined to resolve these issue and find resolution from within by trusting my own heart and the love I have freely given him. I have trusted in the example I have been to Wes, the love I have embraced him with, the nurturing, the time and the care I have bestowed on him. I have trusted in the life we have shared since the moment he was born, forgiving my own mistakes as his Mom, and forgiving his as my son, trusting in the lessons we need to learn from each other and teach each other. Realising that in essence there are no mistakes to be forgiven.... just life experiences to be shared, tears and laughter, sorrow, pain and happiness, joy and the miracle of sharing each and every moment. In the true essence of who Wes is, the ferocity of his teenage rebellion has eased with my own deepening understanding and he has responded by trying to be more respectful and understanding himself. In due course with him home asleep in his bed every night rather than out and about with his friends, my worry has been eradicated and my concern for the most part ensures conversation and lively debate rather than arguments resulting in frustration and anger. As Wes’ weight has increased mine has decreased *Grin*.... and as each day of relative restored harmony in my family passes, my size has eased to a more trimmer size and firmer tone. During the course of the last couple of years, as Dave and I, and our children have struggled to come to terms with our move and changed lifestyle, our changing and evolving family dynamic, starting our own business once more, a job working for a boss after ten years of working for myself.... the struggle and frustration has at times shown on my body with my weight increasing, until I take time to question why, and reflect on what I am doing. If I consider the body I enjoyed before I became a mother, the smooth, unblemished, tanned and toned skin and muscles, the trim, slim and nicely balanced shape and figure..... and I consider the body I have now..... stretch marks, scars, lines and wrinkles, grey hair, extra weight and less toned muscles, I know I would never change a single thing.... because being a Wife and a Mom is worth every stretch mark and blemish for all the laughter it brings, the love it represents and the sharing we have enjoyed. With growing maturity and a lot more wisdom, I know that although the last couple of years have been challenging and difficult because of the amount of change we have experienced, I am more than happy to leave everything just the way it happened..... because erasing the frustration, worry, tears, cause for grey hairs and wrinkles would diminish the laughter I have enjoyed, the experiences I have embraced, the growth that has strengthened me, the courage I have found, and the love I have received from Dave and my children and that I have freely given to them. In each moment of every day, there are times that leave me breathless and moments that take my breath away.... there are times I need to cry, to ease the ache in my heart in watching my children struggle and grow and find their own way by testing their courage and strength.... there are days when my heart is filled to overflowing with love and pride when they achieve and accomplish in the discovery of their own experience of life.... like me, they will make new friends and some of those friends will move on to another life causing them sorrow, they will fall and break bones like they sometimes have, scrap their knees and bruise their hearts.... and I will be there through all their experiences.... on the sidelines, waiting to hear what happened..... participating in the event.... or sharing in the moment. No matter what changes in the world occur or the nature of current events, the change in our circumstances and the events that occur in our lives.... No matter what happens in my life, or in Dave's or in the lives of our children Wes, Jordy and Jess.... No matter how old we grow, where we live, what mistakes we make or lessons we learn.... No matter how much I weigh or what size I am, how many stretch marks or wrinkles I have... there is an undeniable truth and an unshakeable foundation in the relationship we share, a thread of connection woven through our lives and a relationship of sharing, caring and nurturing connecting our hearts... a bond of laughter and love woven through the steps, experiences and magical moments of each of our lives, because they are my children and I will always be their Mother. Wes, Jordy and Jess, I love you with all my heart, thank-you for choosing me as your Mom and sharing your lives with me. (Thank-you for my 17th Mother’s Day *Grin* ;o) Email: [ Mands ] May 2006 Copyright © Mandy Swinburne |