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WhyWeight - August 2006 Good Morning, I Love You! Hi Everyone While reading a chapter of a book recently, I was reminded of an experience I had just before my twentieth birthday...... significant and symbolic, because next month is my fortieth birthday. *Grin* “I woke up the first morning, padded my way to the bathroom, and looked in the mirror. 'My goodness,' I thought. 'Look at my hair standing up on end - I certainly look terrible.' My face was all puffy and swollen. I began my normal critical look at the woman who stood before me. 'You need to lose weight and get more sleep. You need to take better care of yourself. What is wrong with you anyway?' All these and more judgements and accusations tumbled through my mind in rapid succession. I brushed my teeth and the toothpaste landed on my night-gown. 'Clumsy' was my judgement. I turned and stepped into the shower, and as the warm water ran over my body I looked down and saw that my legs needed to be shaved. 'You teach about transforming lives and you do not even take time for yourself - look at you.' Again, I was brought face to face with myself as I blow-dried my hair and styled it. 'Well, that's better, but...' I avoided looking at my self except to dab on the make-up I felt would make me look more acceptable to others. I blotted my lipstick on a tissue and heard 'I'm OK now?' The voice seemed sad and far away. I looked into the mirror, this time at the woman who had taken so much abuse from me since awakening. ‘Pardon, did you say something?’ I asked out loud.” Does any of this seem familiar to you? “The eyes of the woman welled up with tears. ‘You said you would tell me you loved me every day for a month. I was looking forward to receiving this love and all you did was belittle me. I want you to love me. I need your love. Am I so unlovable?’ Tears were spilling down her cheeks as she reminded me that I had broken my promise to her. Her face was washing away the make-up that had been applied. Her eyes were red rimmed, her nose began running and my heart broke open with grief. I remembered saying those same words to my parents. ‘Am I so unlovable?’ I sat there for what seemed like hours talking to the woman in front of me. I told her I was sorry for not seeing her beauty. I asked her forgiveness and also talked about the cost of not loving her as I realised that by not letting self love in fully I also had less space to be filled by others’ love. The next morning, as I lay in my bed, I put my hands on myself, giving myself Reiki. I thought about the woman in the mirror and that most of the time I felt far removed from her. I wanted her to feel loved. There was a pressure that had been building up in my chest as I was thinking about all the times I had not loved her, had not loved myself. I responded to this pressure with my hands, giving myself Reiki. Finally, I thought it was time to get up and start my day. I walked into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror and said, ‘Good Morning Mari, I love you.’ The woman looked into my eyes and said, ‘I love you too.’” Twenty years ago when I was nineteen, I was so detached from my body and my life, I never even took the time to look in a mirror and even when I did, my focus and attention was so intent on doing my hair or applying my make-up, that seldom did I even catch a glimpse of the young woman in the mirror. Despite the concern of my family and friends, I failed to even hear what they were saying. I weighed less than 54 kg’s and being as tall as I am at 5’ 8” - my doctor had expressed grave apprehension at the state of my weight, while trying to treat me for a very rare disease, my solution was to stop seeing my GP and refuse treatment. Fortunately, I was part of a youth group at the time and in an interview with my counsellor, he expressed concern for my well-being, even as I tried to reject his efforts. Maybe it was because he had two teenage daughters around my age, that he somehow managed to extract a promise and commitment from me, even as I struggled to evade making it. I promised to wake every morning and face myself in the mirror, repeating the following greeting, ‘You are a daughter of your Heavenly Father, and He loves you. Good morning, Mands. I love you!’ Each morning as I faced the most challenging experience of my young life, and fulfilled the promise and commitment I had made, the apathy and detachment that had become part of my life, began to melt as I reconnected with my Heart and Spiritual Essence. The traumas and heartache that I had failed to deal with in previous years, overwhelmed me with grief. The following year was one of tears, unburdening my Heart and Soul, and discovering healing through that one simple ritual that I had to fulfil each morning, I did however have unconditional support through those challenging months. As my heart healed, so did my body, and I found a balance and harmony in my life. A few months later I met and married my husband, and began our wonderful life together. Experiencing many years of good health and well-being, despite the challenges of my pregnancies and very normal ups and downs. More than ten years later, when my daughter was 18 months old, and I had failed to lose some of the weight from my pregnancy..... as well as discovering that I was ill once more with a re-occurrence of my teenage illness and even more severe complications, that I had to take a time-out from the hectic schedule of my business and very busy life-style. During this time, while standing in front of our full-length mirror, lamenting my ill health and criticising my overweight body and additional size, my husband came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.... saying sincerely that he loved me, no matter what the size or shape of my body. Unwilling to accept what I perceived as his platitudes, I shrugged him off and rejected his loving approach. Even as patient as my husband is, his slightly raised voice and mildly forceful tone, (a first in our eight years of marriage at the time ;o), made me pay attention to what he said, “Mands, I love you with all my heart, and every day I am grateful to have found you, and appreciative that you share my life. But some days, loving you is like pouring water into a bottomless pit, as you fail to love yourself!” His mild outburst was like cold water being thrown in my face... and I spent the rest of the day in quiet introspection after cancelling all my appointments. I know now, like I knew at the time, that my husband loves me sincerely and unconditionally.... for him to say such a thing, meant I needed to evaluate where I was in my life and consider Why, I failed to love myself? I realised that although I had healed certain aspects of my relationship with my Body and resolved some past issues, something that had been ongoing in those ten years or so, since I was nineteen years old.... I needed to deepen my healing and resolve the love - hate relationship with my Body and my Self! Through the following six months, I shared experiences of my childhood with my husband, that I have never verbalised with anyone before. As I shed the tears that had long been repressed, the healing of my Heart and Soul deepened, and so too did my Body... to the extent that during a check-up with my doctor, he was astounded when he could find absolutely nothing wrong with me. As I let go of past baggage - releasing hurt, my weight simply eased off and I rediscovered a healthy, trim and slim figure. *Grin* More importantly, my energy and enthusiasm for life increased, as I animatedly greeted the woman in the mirror with, ‘Good morning Mands, I love you!’ (Oh You Beautiful, Gorgeous, Sexy Woman *Grin*) - every single day, allowing my self-esteem to blossom and even empowering myself to discover a deep well of confidence, courage and personal power, overflowing into my relationships and my life, allowing me to find balance and harmony. The more I loved myself, the more I was loved, the more I loved life, the more love there was in my life, it was simply an incredibly amazing five years..... my Body weight and size never fluctuating once! I would have been eternally happy to stay in my paradise on Earth... *Grin* Bizarre I know, none the less completely true. When I stepped on the scale, I weighed 68 kg’s only two or three above my normal weight, yet how was it possible that I was still ‘four’ friggin sizes bigger than what I always had been before, and worse, I felt like a bloated fish out of water. (I can laugh now as I am sure you are *Grin*). In a fit of temper one morning during January this year, I threw the freakin scale into the garden.... and I have never seen it again. During those three or four months (October through to January ;o), when feeling my very worst.... I had failed to write a single word for even one article for any of the websites I love so much. I’m sure you can understand how impossible it felt for me to write inspiring, motivating and encouraging articles and emails for you the subscribers on the topic of weight... I had lost the plot completely.... and my courage and confidence with it. Anyway, work was hectic, the kids were on school holidays and I had made the decision to give up the WhyWeight website when it was due for renewal sometime this year. Easing the burden I felt ever so slightly. Yes, this story does have an end.... be patient I’m getting there. *Grin* It must have been something in the air.... January New Years Resolutions.... LOL? but I got a ton of emails..... hundreds, with comments like, “Mands, I was visiting the ‘A to Z - Step by Step’ and got to ‘P’ - so where is the rest?” - and “Mands, have you deleted me from your address book, cos I haven’t received any emails from you for months?” and, “Mands, I miss you, where are you?” and, etc. etc. Even though I wanted to feel nagged and harangued, which I was, I also felt missed and loved. I asked myself if I was really willing to give-up something that had been part of my life for more than five years, something I loved, even though I faced a couple of challenges (huge, seemingly insurmountable challenges, of course... but hey what the heck, what’s a few kilograms between subscribers and friends.... Ok, I’ll be honest, it was probably a dozen by then, but of course I no longer have a scale hehehe, so how would I really know..... my size... well I have already explained that ;o).... So I started to write articles for WhyWeight once more, and even after writing for more than ten years.... it was sooo hard. I struggled to focus on a topic, even as I struggled to maintain my concentration, short articles that had previously taken a couple of hours to write.... took more than two days, I was frustrated, my writing flow obviously congealed on my tummy, hips and thighs.... definitely not funny. So I persisted, getting up at the crack of dawn to write, as I had to be at work by 10:00 am. I went back to my karate classes at the beginning of February, persisting in my attendance, even as it seemed to make no difference to my weight, size or shape. I drank water ever day, I ate healthy food... Blah, Blah, Blah, however Blah, I did it anyway. I said my affirmations every day, and started to greet the woman in the mirror (even though all I could see in the tiny mirror was the nose between the eyes and mouth - it’s a cute nose though, very friendly, twitches too ;o). So here we are, six months later (again I know ;o). Thirty-nine years old, soon to be forty (again I know ;o). However, this time there is a difference. Instead of verbalising my experiences, sharing them with my husband, and shedding the tears of repressed emotions, like I did previously..... I have written about them.... reading previous articles that I wrote, writing about new and different perspective, seeing the positive side of the negative, affirming my truth and understanding in words, acknowledgement and celebration of Who and What I Am! And since I had already let go and released so much of my baggage and issues.... Yeah, ten years ago (again I know ;o), what I needed to do was be grateful and appreciative, for every, single, lousy, horrible, terrible thing that has happened to me through my entire life.... (Oh Cr#&ers!.... that’s crackers, just by the way ;o). My Body has ached, I have had flu three times, I have experienced night sweats every single night.... every tummy bug, allergy, infection, cough and cold to grace our town has visited our doorstep and stayed for the duration of Winter.... and I have written... allowing every single solitary cell in my Body that holds fat and a repressed memory, hurt, trauma or whatever.... and wants expression and to be heard..... a platform to voice, scream, shout, sing, laugh, *Giggle and Grin*, explore, explode, dance, or do whatever it wants! So a few weeks ago, when I read the chapter in Mari Hall’s book ‘Good Morning, I love you!’ - the chapter where the book opened, and the only chapter I have read so far.... I decided to go out and buy a ‘Full-length Mirror’ and get back in stride with my morning greeting of, ‘Good Morning Mands, I Love You!’..... the mirror arrived on Monday and my hubby hung it on the wall in our bedroom, not just any mirror of course, but framed in black steel tube, with a simple, stylish, elegant design! For the entire week, I have caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.... just a little trepidation and anxiety filling my heart each time I have to walk past, since I have avoided mirrors (and scales ;o) for twelve months now.... When finally this morning, I walked up to the mirror, completely bare, looked myself in the eye and said, ‘Good Morning Mands, I Love You!’ - then scurried off to shower, because its freezing (of course). *Grin* I determined to spend ten minutes getting dressed and grooming myself in front of the mirror, instead of my normal two and a half, taking time to acknowledge the woman in the mirror for her courage and tenacity and most of all her perseverance, when I noticed that my pants were a little loose.... excitedly I grabbed the tape measure.... and Lo and Behold, a miracle (to me anyway ;o).... My 97 cm waist (measured by my dressmaker in June) has shrunk to 80 cm.... *Giggle and Grin* - even if my dressmaker is going to have a fit.... I’m celebrating..... Whoooopeeedoooo I am two sizes smaller, with just one to go! I know that as I have written about what I am feeling and what I have experienced, I have allowed my understanding to transform to a deeper level of wisdom, releasing the struggle and stress that I held inside to the extent that it coagulated in added weight and increased size on my Body.... and Yes, despite going a round the same pattern three times now, I also realise that even though it was the same, it was also very different..... and I have discovered an even deeper inner joy, love and contentment within, despite the external chaos and busy-ness of my life. Like before, I have been blessed with the unconditional support, acceptance and love of those who are part of my life, and I am deeply grateful and appreciative for my husband Dave, who has patience to rival a saint, who loves me always and in all ways - (Fat, Thin, grouchy, gloomy, depressed, ecstatic, happy, content ;o), and who spends hours reading, correcting, editing and lovingly critiquing whatever I write, for my children, Wes, Jordy and Jesse, who do the same and teach me more about myself and life every day, for my ‘Yellow Ribbon’ friends and for you the subscribers who read and share what I write, giving me feedback, affirmation and sharing your own experiences with me. Thank-you, I truly am grateful and appreciative for each and everyone of you! I’m going to be brave and greet myself in the mirror each and every morning with: ‘Good Morning Mands, I Love You!’ I’m going to be bold... even a little precocious, and possible daring, and greet myself in the mirror every single day with: “Good Morning Mands, I Love You! And if You hear my echo.... ringing in your ear, no matter where You are, or even who You are.... I double DARE You, to do the same to the Woman who looks back at You in the Mirror. (PS.... if the next echo has a slightly masculine tone to it, *Grin* know it’s just my husband, affirming in appreciation and love ;o) Have a fabulous, sensational Woman’s month, Wishing you health in Body, peace in Mind, Love and Lots and Lots of Laughter to You and Yours! Email: [ Mands ] Book Extract from ‘Reiki For The Soul’ by Mari Hall August 2006 Copyright © Mands ************************************************************* |