|
I am existing, not living! “We are always getting ready to live but never living.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson Today is my daughter, Tyla’s third birthday and I should be so proud and happy. Instead I feel numb, shut down and totally devoid of emotion – not happy nor sad. Why? Well, I have just realised that for the past seven months I have not “lived”, but merely existed. I wake up in the morning, get the kids ready for school, get myself ready for work. Drive to the office, do a full day’s work in 6 hours. Dash out of the office, fetch the kids. Help with homework, start dinner, get the kids fed, bathed and ready for bed. Go to bed myself. I do the grocery shopping when I can. I don’t take lunch – eat at my desk. Take the kids to doctors appointments, OT’s, dentists etc. Don’t get me wrong – I love my life, but life is just not about being “alive”, it is about sharing experiences, feeling loved and wanted, feeling needed and pampered and without those feelings, life just passes you by without your realising it. My reasons for feeling this way are actually quite simple. I am a wife, a working woman, a mom of two – but that is all I feel at the moment. My hubby, Carl, has been working on a drama series for the past 6 months and has now jumped into a new project. During the past seven months, I think we have shared maybe six weekends together and maybe about eight week nights. Carl has worked almost 22 hour days and most weekends during this period – always telling me that the overtime and long hours would soon be over – just as soon as I finish this episode, or just as soon as we get another editor – problem is, it never happened. So why do I feel like I exist and am not really living? Well, mostly I feel lonely – even when it is sexual hour (the time between fetching the kids from school, getting them home to cook dinner, bath and get ready for bed! Why sexual hour you ask – well it’s when the kids *&*# with your mind! ) – and I am busy with the kids, I am just “mom” trying to be two people for two little ones both vying for my attention – I have just two hands and one pair of eyes and ears and can only do so many things at one time! So even when the house is full of noise and kids, I still feel lonely. This is when I wish my hubby was home to share the experiences of the kids’ day with me, to help with the kids, whilst I do the cooking (although it might be better the other way around cos he’s a great cook!), or reading the kids a story or playing cricket outside whilst it’s still light! Once the kids are in bed (about 8ish) and the house has become quiet – I usually start our dinner – although I never really know if Carl will be home for dinner or not – so sometimes I cook, and sometimes its just sandwiches. Once I’ve eaten, I prepare the kids food and juice for the next day, catch up on my crossword puzzles (I hate watching TV on my own, so rarely do it!), and then when I have had enough of my own company in the kitchen, usually jump into bed at around 10h30 and read. I try and stay awake until Carl gets home, but sometimes I am just so tired, that it is impossible. Our social life is a non-event! I don’t plan dinner parties as I never know whether Carl will be there or not – and what is the fun with just me? I don’t go out with my friends as finding babysitters during the week is problematic, and usually by the time I have the kids sorted – it’s a bit late to go out. We don’t plan holidays as paying deposits that we will lose is just not worth it if we can’t go away – and holidays on my own with the kids just doesn’t blow my skirt up. I miss our nightly chats that we used to have in the kitchen over a shared beer or last nightly cigarette (dirty habit I know!), so when I sit on my own the quietness of the house just makes me blue. Daily telephone calls don’t really happen as Carl is either with a client or in a viewing, and when we do talk over the phone. When we are together in the mornings, time is just so rushed with getting the kids ready for school and ourselves ready for work, feeding animals and packing school bags, that the only chatting we seem to do is to the kids! I really miss my friend, my lover and my hubby – and I hope that when this drama series becomes less time demanding, that we can start spending time together like we used to, and I can start really living again. In the meantime, I am trying to plan things to do with the kids with the rest of my family, and with my neighbours, just so that I don’t get to sick of my own company! Here’s to living again! “Did you know you can't steer a boat that isn't moving? Just like a life.” **************************************************************** Bevskins xxx !!! PS. For more articles written by Bevskins [ Read More ]
|