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Spring Updates
My Lesson in Gratitude!
by Mands
The year of 2005 was to prove to be one of my most challenging years, despite my decision and determination to the contrary in early January of 2005.
I had a job I enjoyed and received my first increase after working for 12 months. Our debt was being minimised monthly by regular payments and I was earning enough to support our monthly expenses. Our situation was stable and relatively stress free for the first time in a couple of years, and my husband and I agreed that this was the year we would simplify our lives, strengthen our family, and secure ourselves financially.
We had been living in the Cape for 18 months after moving from Johannesburg, and finally, it seemed as if we were settling down and enjoying our life after the normal and understandable upheaval of moving - new schools for the kids, new environment, new house to live in, new job, new social circle.... etc. etc.!!
From mid January after we made our decision to simplify our lives, we decided we would have to review what was important, what our priorities were and how we could go about ‘simplifying’ our lives. The first aspect was my workload and how hectic my schedule was, as the thing I wanted most was to spend a little more time with my husband and children - understandable as I worked at my job five to six days a week including Saturdays, Sundays and public holidays, plus I maintained more than 30 websites which meant I was up early every morning to keep on top of my workload. The second aspect to simplifying our lives was to clear our debt and minimise our monthly expenses, the reason for my hectic workload. When all our website source documents were overwritten in mid February, the solution seemed simply.... My husband would restore and redo our customer websites and then continue to maintain them, transferring that workload from myself to him and ease my schedule significantly. The second decision was for me to let go of some of my own websites, like WhySpirit and WhyWeight, something I thought would be relatively easy since I already worked at a full time job. However, as it came time for the domains to be renewed, simply cancelling them became a decision I found to difficult to make. My husband, (being the wise man that he is, and knowing me so well ;o), encouraged me to take the time I needed to make a decision.... however long it took and no matter what I decided. *Grin*
Then from March through to September of 2005, we seemed to roller coaster from one financial disaster to the next, and our family was challenged by misunderstanding and conflict caused from inner and external events and happenings... Friendships and relationships that I thought unshakeable just disintegrated without any apparent reason. Even as we cleared debt our monthly budget and expenses seemed to skyrocket as we experienced more family illness in that one year, then in the previous ten years altogether.... My husband got bronchitis, healed and then had another dose at which time he broke a rib. My eldest son got bronchial pneumonia, fell off my younger sons bicycle and cut his head open requiring stitches, hurt his wrist and cut his toe open, fell off the bicycle again and broke his collarbone. My younger son struggled through school, getting sick with flu and colds, and needed major dental work. Even my daughter struggled with colds and flu and was sick for only the second time in her life at nine years old. I broke two teeth - snapping them right off and needed caps, and discovered that my teeth were literally ‘disintegrating’ so needed major dental work to keep the teeth I have.
Despite my hectic schedule and all the confusion in my life, I had decided to take just one of my websites and start with a ‘blank’ page to explore a new what I wanted to do with this idea of ‘Why’ that has been part of my life for so many years... *Grin*!
Thus began my journey to rekindle my purpose and passion without even realising what I was doing..... first I started with [ www.theWhy.net ] in late February, as we had decided to keep our customer websites and it is the base of our service offering. Without preconceived ideas, or any ‘What, When, Where, How or Why’ - I just played, enjoyed and had fun with a flow of creativity.... *Grin* the next website I chose to do was [ www.WhySpirit.com ] which proved even more fun to do, the experience sparking my creativity even more. It was awesome!
I discovered that even though I had been writing and publishing my own websites for seven years previously, there was a new depth to my experience... the more chaotic my life became, the more I wrote, the more I began to understand. The more difficult the events that happened, the more challenging our circumstances the more I wrote... the more I learned about myself and discovered other deeper aspects to my life.
The third website I decided to keep *Grin* was [ www.WhyWeight.co.za ] - being the ‘oldest’ of my ‘Why’ children, it proved the most difficult and challenging, and even though I initially decided to rather restore the old site then start with a ‘blank’ site, this proved frustrating and eventually futile, and so started the process with a ‘blank’ page and began my WhyWeight journey once more.... realising that there would never be a ‘new beginning’ or even an ‘end’ to when the pages of the website would be completed and the website finished.... As WhyWeight in essence is a journal of my own ‘weight’ experiences - a sharing of the relationship I have with my body and the discoveries I make to increase my Body Power, articles written to learn how incredibly powerful my mind is and realise my Mental Energy, that I am unique and special and eternal, evolving and growing continually to listen to my own wisdom, follow my heart and discover my Spiritual Essence and that by Reaching Out, I learn from you even as you learn from me.
In my re-creating of the websites, with new colours and graphics and deleting or rewriting of old articles and the writing of new articles, receiving of emails and replying to friends.... the cycles, patterns and seasons of my life revealed lessons learned, experiences earned and wisdom gained.... I was filled with gratitude for the opportunity to just explore and create, and realised a wonder in using more colour than I ever had before... *Grin*
The shocker was.... the job I thought I loved, was boring, unfulfilling and even though I was grateful for having a job with the security of a regular income - even though I worked hard and worked long hours, the demands placed upon me were increasing daily. That every time I said ‘Yes’ to my boss (no matter how unreasonable he was), I was saying ‘No’ to spending time with my family and any time for relaxation and enjoyment, as I was getting more and more tired. That even as we cleared our debt and minimised our monthly expenses allowing us to have more savings, there was less time and energy to enjoy ourselves and my life was becoming more complicated rather than easier and simpler. I decided our supposed stability and lack of stress was just an illusion I had conceived.
During May of 2005, I decided that, rather than give into feelings of frustration and stress, I would explore the cycles and patterns that had been revealed through my writing and follow the Seasons of Nature, something that I had always done so effortlessly.... Realising as I created and wrote the articles for Winter that something I had done naturally most of my life was turned up side down in our new location in the Cape. Even though I have lived in many different places - Botswana, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Malawi, Zambia and the Northern Provence, Limpopo, the Free State and Gauteng of South Africa.... the Seasons have been relatively the same and the weather only varies in temperature and rainfall from place to place... Spring warmth and rain awakens life and brings new green growth, vibrant change, fresh perspective and creative ideas. Hot weather and rainfall in Summer brings balance to my life and Essence and I am very creative and productive.... *Grin* Autumn symbolises a time of celebration, reflection and seeking of inspiration from the vibrant colours and changes.... and Winter is a time of contemplation and introspection... a time of inner clearing and personal growth... for me anyway! *Smile*
However, the cold Winter rainfall of the Cape proved detrimental to my own health as well as that of my family. The Spring changes, vibrancy and new growth that I always looked forward to every year previously, was non existent in our new location for a number of reasons - everything is already green due to the Winter rainfall as a result there is no vibrant change, new colours or different perspective. Summer simply happens.... one night you go to sleep and it’s still cold, and one morning you wake up and it’s warm. The winds blow with no rain, so the grass turns brown and the flowers droop, the leaves on the trees fall from the trees and lay on the ground.... Summer heat and winds, sweep fires across the mountains and landscape with no hope of respite from natural elements and the surrounds quickly become blackened and burnt.... Symbolic of the hopes I had to ever acclimatise to our new environment.
The more I tried to fit in with my work colleagues, social and natural environment.... the more resentful I became. The harder I worked at my job, the more was expected of me, the more tired I was and the angrier I felt. With my increasing negative feelings the more I felt overwhelmed, the less I was able to write. By September of 2005 the month of my 39th birthday... I felt 49, and even told a few people by mistake that it was my 49th birthday! (Can you imagine ;o). Despite how much work I had done of my own on my own websites... my focus and attention was on what I still had to do and the projects that were incomplete, causing me more frustration!
Despite how much debt we had actually paid during the year, I was focused on how much medical costs we had and how much debt we still had, negating all we had accomplished. Then during the course of two months, a years savings was wiped out by all the extra expenses we incurred increasing my resentment and anger. We had a string of loss - three stolen cellphones, two stolen digital cameras, three stolen bicycles, a MP3 player and a CD player were also stolen and then a memory stick.... (that’s what I can remember) .... I wondered what my life was trying to teach me!
Leaving Winter of the Seasonal Living section incomplete, I started on Spring (since it was actually supposed to be Spring - September 2005 ;o).... I sought inspiration and created the graphics, finding pleasure amidst the light blues and greens and picture collage... even completing 16 of the 25 articles I wanted to write.... I was having fun in my own ‘Spring’ creation... then came the time to write the article above “Gratitude”!
Who was I kidding? (....Only myself!)
“Be Grateful for ALL of YOU, and EVERY aspect of Your Life!”
There was no way I could write this article no matter how much I wanted to or even how hard I tried.... And I did try! (Even if it was the central theme for the Seasonal Living and Spring articles.... I felt angry and ungrateful).
I was so angry.... I had no idea until that moment how angry I actually was. I was angry with my eldest son for quitting school, getting an opportunity to train with an international chef, and blowing it by his stupid, irresponsible antics on his brother’s bicycle that was too small for him anyway.... (and for costing us so much money for his medical expenses). I was angry with my younger son for failing a year at school, because he refused to do homework and study, despite the psychologist’s assessments that he is supposed to be a genius. I was angry with my daughter’s teachers and their constant inference that Jesse has a learning disability, even though the psychologist had determined and explained to her teachers that she is the most intelligent child that they have ever had the opportunity to access... They were undermining my daughters self-esteem and I felt helpless to protect her. I was mad with my husband, because even though he had tried constantly through the entire year to get a job, his CV was rejected simply because of his age (and his colour) ...even though he was qualified.... I was so very angry with him because he broke a rib, like he did it deliberately? I was angry because it was Spring and everything was green instead of brown with spurts of new life. I was mad with my boss for enjoying a five month overseas holiday in the European Summer, while I waded through the conflict and strife at work, and the cold Spring days.
The simple thought of “Be Grateful for ALL of YOU, and EVERY aspect of Your Life!”
mocked me on the peripheries of my mind, no matter how much I tried to ignore it.
Mostly, I was angry with myself for being so angry.... and I kept it all locked inside. I stopped writing and I stopped talking to my hubby, my best friend, because I didn’t want to tell him how angry I was with him, simply because I knew I was being unreasonable and irrational. My weight yo-yoed up and down even as my size roller coasted in all directions. Then I ballooned..... even knowing that my increased weight and size was a result of my inner conflict and anger, rather than my eating habits, I felt helpless to do anything to change how I was feeling, it was simply awful and I felt worse!
“Be Grateful for ALL of YOU, and EVERY aspect of Your Life!” - haunted my dreams and gave me sleepless nights.
Then while walking home one evening with my husband after work.... while lamenting what a lousy day I had.... my husbands simple comment, ‘I love you Mands, always and in all ways’ stopped me in mid step, leaving me breathless, and unable to reply. However, something inside me changed.... and an idea softened my heart!
Through the rest of October and November I just waded through my days and slept through my nights, waiting for my boss to return from his holiday, and when he did I took five days off - unpaid, and just rested. I worked Saturday and Sunday and took another five days unpaid leave.
The idea of ‘Gratitude’ filled my mind and softened my heart.... I realised that it was that simple ingredient that was so much a part of the person I am and the way I have always lived that I was missing ...that the anger I felt and the resentful emotions I was experiencing was never enough to fully extinguish the ‘Gratitude’ I feel at the core of my Essence!
That it was my attention and focus on the anger and resentment I was feeling that was increasing my anger and resentment, a vicious circle and cycle that only I could stop. I wish I could say that my anger and resentment dissolved instantly, that I was magically transformed and that my extra weight and size just melted away.... Instead, it has been a year of learning and growing, expanding and stretching, it has been a year of writing, shedding tears and shedding weight... one tear at a time, one gram at a time....
That Spring evening when my husband said, “I love you Mands, always and in all ways.” ....wasn’t the first time he had ever said it, and isn’t even the last time, *Grin* they were however the words I most needed to hear in that moment to spark the gratitude that has continued to grow within my heart and overflow into my life. I started by being grateful for my husband and the relationship we share, for the 18 years we have been married and that we have shared together, breathing, living, crying, laughing and loving.... from that I was able to be grateful for my children, for their individuality and their strength, for their courage and for their examples.... for what they teach me and the things I learn from them.... how they love and accept me just as I am, always and all the time.
The idea to “Be Grateful for ALL of Me, and EVERY aspect of my Life!” began to inspire me.... giving me a deep understanding that even though I had enjoyed many years of laughing and loving and being grateful for my life.... and even though I had experienced deep levels of healing from some traumatic and hurtful experiences in my younger years.... the challenge was to more than heal from these experiences, the difficulty was to more than just let go of the pain and bitterness, which I knew I had already done.... the lesson was much deeper than just forgiving the people that hurt me even though I was a young child.... which I knew I already felt and achieved... The blessing was to Be Grateful for every event and every single moment of hurt, pain and deep anguish caused by what had happened to me, and to Be Grateful for the people who had caused these things.... Sure it’s easier to be Grateful for the good and wonderful things in life, it’s easy to appreciate with gratitude the love you give and receive, the positive and empowering relationships you share....
The opposite is much more challenging!
To “Be Grateful for ALL of ME, and EVERY aspect of MY Life!”
Easy, I thought, once the idea took root within my heart.... (Guess Again! ;o)
Even as Gratitude filled my heart and overflowed into my relationships with my husband and children.... my job caused me stress and anguish as I had never before experienced in a working environment, creating turmoil in my thoughts and struggling with indecision. With courage in my heart and quaking in my shoes *Grin* - I discussed my job situation and the hours I was working with my boss, in November 2005.... and he agreed to comprise after the holiday season. So even though I had written a few articles for the websites I have, I left everything be, putting my own work on the back burner, only checking my email every couple of days.... Spending time at work and time with my family in December and January 2006. So that in February 2006, when I took five days leave I discovered I had come full circle, and was once more reflecting on “What to do and How to simplify my life? *Grin*
There were differences that I realised during my few days of reflection however, the most important being I was calmer and more relaxed, the anger and resentment that I had felt was almost entirely gone, I was happier within myself and I felt physically healthier and more energetic than I had for sometime. I woke up at 3:00 am one morning full of energy and vitality and just wanted to get up and do something, even though my family was sleeping peacefully. *Grin* So, I showered quietly, wrapped myself in a towel and turned my PC on, and played and created within the ‘Late Summer’ pages and articles of the Seasonal Living, discovering a whole ‘new’ Season to my year..... and writing for the first time in months. *Grin*
The gratitude I felt at starting, compiling and finishing a project was awesome and inspiring.... and thus continued my journey to rediscover my purpose and re-ignite my passion through my own work and websites.... while working at a job I thought I loved, discovered I was bored and frustrated with, then resolved to be appreciative and grateful for, so that we could achieve our aspirations to simplify our lives.
I realised that even though it was the emails from the WhyWeight subscribers and friends that helped me persevere during times of frustration, ‘writers block’ and lack of time to do what I loved.... and that my husband’s constant love and support was a steady influence on my work, the writing of articles was more important for me than anyone else because I was learning and growing, I was expanding and stretching, I was learning to appreciate the blessings of ‘Being Grateful for ALL of ME, and EVERY aspect of MY Life!”
The Autumn articles unfolded so naturally it was amazing and only took a few weeks to do as the research, experimenting, and compiling of information I realised I had already done, and the balance I found during Late Summer continued through Autumn and into May 2006, when I began to pick up the projects I had neglected and complete unfinished tasks.
As gratitude filled my mind, joy overflowed from my heart and I wrote a letter of ‘Appreciation and Gratitude’ to four special friends that I have, starting at 7:00 pm one evening and writing to 4:00 am the following morning, sharing so much of myself and what was happening in my life, that I was exhausted for days, although happy and content. (Purging would probably be a better description ;o).
My husband, the ‘normal’ and balanced individual in our relationship secured loads of work for customers during this time of struggle for me, allowing us to finish paying most of our debt, pay all our medical expenses and halve our monthly budget during the course of this year, and so ease our stress and simplify our life. The more gratitude filled my heart and the more I proactively demonstrated my appreciation and gratitude, the more we were able to achieve and accomplish. Our children have blossomed, grown and become more secure within themselves, demonstrating strength and courage. Jesse started a new school at the beginning of the year and her school report has improved radically every term. Jordy our youngest son, also started a new school as it was his first year of high school, and within a few weeks he went from being an angry, resentful child to being relaxed, happy and confident in his abilities. Wes our eldest son, although still demonstrating rebellion has improved remarkably.
Make no mistake, our circumstances are not perfect.... they are however, much, much better now. I was able to “Be Grateful for ALL of ME, and EVERY aspect of MY Life!” Whether negative or positive.... *Smile*
During Winter, while writing articles, updating and publishing websites...
De-cluttering our home, and working at my job.... my Body simply got sick and I had to surrender to staying in bed and allow myself to heal and recover through June and July 2006. I was so focused on “Being Grateful for All of Me, and Every aspect of my Life,” that being grateful while I was sick revealed the underlying reasons for the anger and resentment I had felt, allowing me to resolve and release these emotions as I found solutions for the real reasons that had caused my anger.
I realise that overcoming my frustration, diminishing my resentment and resolving my anger has only been possible because I have focused on the gratitude I feel for the relationships I have with my husband, children and friends. That I have been much more proactive than just thinking and feeling grateful, I have written articles and letters expressing and sharing my appreciation and gratitude. I take time often to share in words and actions how appreciative and grateful I am to the people who share my life.
I realise that the focus of my attention on what I still had to do, what projects I still needed to complete, how much debt we still had to pay and tasks that still need to be done, negated what we had already achieved and accomplished causing me to feel overwhelmed, over burdened and unable to cope with my life. In an effort to restore balance to my perspective and my life, I began to review what I had already accomplished and what we had already achieved. A simple calculation of the amount of debt we have actually paid and cleared in three years, was astounding and made the remaining amount almost insignificant. With weekly reviews of our remaining debt with my husband, and constantly affirming with gratitude what we had already achieved, opportunities arose for us to earn additional income that allowed us to clear a large portion of our remaining debt in less than six months, and also allowed us to save enough money to buy a ‘new’ second hand car with cash. Clearing clutter from our home and completing tasks as well as employing a domestic worker two to three days a week to do the household chores, has freed our time to do our own work, enjoy more time together as a family, and spend more time doing the things we enjoy and love, even as I still work at my job, I am able to work fewer days per week. The clearing of our debt has allowed us to halve our monthly budget and the extra cash available lets us employ a domestic worker and have savings in the bank.
I started to let go of deadlines, and things needing to be done by a certain date and the need for achieving gaols during a predetermined time frame. Instead I focused on the work I had already done and the projects I have completed. My husband does most of our customer work and helps me with my job.... allowing me to play with my imagination, follow my inspiration and have fun with my creativity on the websites I knew I wanted to explore. *Grin* Once a week when I can or sometimes once a month, I take a morning to explore the websites I have, read the articles published, admire the graphics and renew my sense of Gratitude for my growing abilities, my creative talents and appreciate all I have achieved and accomplished... sometimes I even just say, “Wow, what fabulous work!” *Mega Grin*
For the purpose of this article I reviewed what I have actually done since February 2005.... I have Thirteen websites that are active on the internet, some of them with their own domains, others are directories that form a part of a domain, however each website has it's own styling, colours and functionality. In total on those Thirteen websites are 777 webpages and articles that I have updated and published - 437 articles from other writers and 340 articles that I have written. *Grin* Including the graphics and pics, articles and research info, the website source documents total 2.17 GB of data plus the online programs and CDs brings the total to 3.5 GB with another 70 articles that I have written! Pretty awesome!
Now, “Being Grateful for ALL of ME, and EVERY aspect of MY Life!” is something I feel, something I say, and something I do!
Even though our circumstances are not perfect, neither am I.... As I am most definitely and defiantly, rebelliously human! *Grin* However, I have discovered perfection in my life through the cycles, patterns and Seasons of my life, revealed and inspired by being proactively Grateful for every aspect of my humanness.
I still have moments of anxiety and even sometimes hours of frustration when things seem to be going ‘wrong’..... Then I stop and breathe, and take a moment to say, “Thank-you, so much for this day and every second of it.... Exactly as it is, exactly as I am!” I take an hour to be grateful for my husband and children, and for my friends. I appreciate the love I receive in every single moment of my life from each of them. I am reminded that my husband loves me, always in all ways. No matter how I am feeling or how I behave. I spend a few hours reading the words I have written, appreciating the lessons I have learned, experiencing the growth and empowerment all over again. I am filled with gratitude at discovering a deeper purpose to my work and being able to follow that with passion. Even though I still struggle with the answers to some of my own questions, and even though there is still stress and complexities in my life, I know that I am learning to “Be Grateful for ALL of ME, and EVERY aspect of MY Life!”
The frustration, anger and resentment I felt, darkened my perceptions and clouded my awareness making me harshly judgemental of everything in my life including myself. This destructive cycle fuelled even more frustration, anger and resentment within me, raging like an unquenchable fire that consumes everything in it’s path, diminishing my creativity, negating my achievements and accomplishments and causing conflict within myself, my relationships and my life... my weight and size increasing dramatically. This lens through which I observed life for a short while, only allowed me to see a dull, drab and blackened existence of routine and self imposed limitations, deadlines and time limits of when things had to be done without any time for anything but work, to do lists, debt and bills to be paid, tasks and projects to be completed..... Dousing the colours of purpose and passion from my work, and smothering the laughter, enjoyment and love in my life and relationships. My heart and essence felt like the blackened mountainside, all that remained after the fire that raged across the landscape.
Even as I had observed the harsh destructive force of the fire that consumed everything in it’s path, I saw the symbolism that Nature provided for me in her natural cycles.... what remained after the fire was supposedly just a harsh, black, burnt landscape - death for all life.... Yet the rains came and the tiniest new growth transformed the mountainside to first a light Spring green framed by a beautiful blue sky, and then even as the green of the grass deepened the Fynbos flowers blossomed to provide a kaleidoscope of beautiful colours....
Like the transformation of Nature that I observed and experienced through the Seasonal cycles of Spring, Summer, Late Summer, Autumn and Winter... and Spring once again! My life, my Body and the person that I am... also goes through changes, cycles and Seasons and that even as I experience the destructive force of anger, resentment and frustration like a fire, there is a thread I can weave through all of my life that allows me to transcend the harshest of life’s lessons and realise the blessings and that is ....Gratitude!
To “Be Grateful for ALL of ME, and EVERY aspect of MY Life!” brings the kaleidoscope of beautiful colours of learning, growth and wisdom. That like the rain that falls to the earth to renew Nature, my tears wash the bitterness from my heart allowing new awareness and understanding, filling my heart with joy, that overflows with the gratitude and love I feel for my husband, my children, my friends and my work. That’s when the gratitude and love I feel for Every aspect of my life - the relationships I share and the work I do, rekindles the purpose and passion I enjoy in every moment of every day.... that’s when my Body responds and the added weight and extra size simply melts away!
A year ago, in Spring 2005, I was unable to write the article above titled ‘Gratitude’... Now, I am so very grateful for the experience and appreciative of what I have written and achieved!
To “Be Grateful for ALL of Me, and EVERY aspect of My Life!.... is something I have learned, experienced, struggled with, challenged, rebelled against, and finally allowed to fill my being and my life, even as I still learn....
It’s the gratitude in my heart that allows balance in my life, my relationships and my work. It’s the gratitude I feel with every cell of my being that allows synchronicity in myself - Body, Mind and Soul.... allowing the incredible miracle of manifesting all that I want, all that I desire and all that I deserve!
During Spring, the time of the Seasonal Sacred New Year,
I wish you a heart filled with Gratitude for your own lessons and growth!
May your dreams be creative and inspiring and may all your wishes come true!
May your endeavours be challenging and empowering,
Spurring you on to achievement and success!
May the Seasonal year bring you health, happiness and prosperity and...
The confidence to dance freely...
The joy to laugh wildly...
The heart to love deeply...
And the essence to embrace all the beauty in life...
And all the beauty within Yourself!
Love and Laughter to You and Yours
Mands
Please share your ideas - [ E-mail ] - Thanks!
G is for gratitude.
When I'm in gratitude, if I even stop and make a list of the things I'm grateful for, that's a form of prayer. It breaks my trance of misery or self-absorption.
-- Anne Lamott
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