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Anger The word Anger, according to the dictionary definition is extreme displeasure and antagonism, and derives from the Latin word ‘angere’ meaning “to strangle”. Most people experience anger at some or other time in their lives, and varies in degree depending on a persons disposition, the circumstances and events causing their displeasure, their ability to understand the cause of their anger, how they cope with their emotions and feelings, and their ability to resolve the underlying core issue. Too often in our conditioning and upbringing we are taught ‘not’ to have any sort of negative emotions and feelings and that they are wrong - and seldom are we taught how to express, understand and resolve our more ‘negative’ emotions and feelings. However, we are all human and it is our birthright to have and explore all our emotions and feelings in their entirety, including the negative and supposedly less acceptable one’s.... What is unacceptable, is that we express our anger at the sacrifice of someone else’s feelings, emotions and rights.... the only result being diminishment of another, even as we diminish ourselves. It is for this reason that we often suppress, ignore, detach, restrain, stifle and contain or bottle-up these less desirable emotions and feelings that we have, however natural, making them explosive and extreme when the pressure of too long ignored emotions demand an outlet at the most inopportune times.... Hurting ourselves, even as we inflict hurt on another. Sometimes we get angry.... angry at those who have hurt and harmed us, those that irritate and aggravate us, those that let us down... We get angry at ourselves, our parents, our teachers and our peers, we even get angry at God, or whoever we believe our Maker to be. I remember when I was about six or seven, and I had no idea how to cope with an overload of emotions and feelings, or how to express them as I seemed to get punished each time I asked what I was told was an inappropriate question.... The life I had up until that time, with two parents who loved and cared for me, living in the bush of Botswana, wild and free without a care in the world, seemed to simply vanish overnight. One evening all I knew was happiness and the simple joy a child feels at being alive... the next, my parents were angry at each other, fighting and arguing to the extent that my mom packed a few bags and put me on a plane to South Africa to stay with relatives. A few months later my mom collected me and off we flew to a town in Zimbabwe, only to discover that we were now divorced from my dad, and I had an uncle that was part of my life.... without explanation or care and consideration. Ever resilient as children often are, I soon learned not to ask any questions or express the confusion I was feeling. However, the previously safe environment that had always nurtured and protected me, left me unable to cope in a new and more modern society. I stumbled from one mishap to the next, constantly being punished for my misdeeds and misadventures to the extent that I stopped communicating with my mother entirely. Then, when something terrible did happen to me, I chose to hold this experience deep inside, never expressing to anyone what had happened. Each night I prayed for the loving Heavenly Father I knew I had to end my life so that I never had to awake to this nightmare again. As things go, that never happened, and the angry resentment I felt towards my parents and God, continued to grow inside, strangling my natural expression, until I was a rebellious young child who refused to acknowledge or listen to anyone. My mothers solution was to send me to boarding school, so for years the contained angry emotions, festered, harbouring a growing resentment that was disguised by a well mannered, polite young girl, who achieved academically and in sports until I was 11 years old. Then a simple remark by a close friend triggered an eruption of angry response that surprised me more than anyone else, leaving me to sob out my pent up emotions for the next six hours. Even as teachers and friends tried to console and comfort me, I refused to share my deepest fears demanding to speak to my mother, who no one could find. My mother had taken leave from work to have an operation, the boarding schools only contact. Then, I was scared and even more confused, having no idea what was wrong with my mother, especially when my teachers failed to reach my mother for two weeks, by which time when she did call, letting me know she was OK, my feelings and emotions were safely back were they belonged... once more in containment. Thus began a pattern.... a mild, well mannered young girl who achieved academically and in sports for most of the school year, yet every once in awhile - about every seven or eight months, erupted angrily at a simple comment, and then sobbed brokenheartedly for five or six hours, releasing the strangled emotion and built-up pressure inside and then returning once more to the ‘normal’ well mannered young girl she was before. My habitual angry outbursts became legendary during the seven years I attended boarding school, and never once did I share my deepest fears, until I was sixteen years old when a very close relative insisted I share with her what I was holding inside. In retrospect, I wonder why a teacher or one of my relatives failed to get me help or counselling before, fortunately, at least I hope there are better systems in place today. Yet, when I watch the TV news or read the newspaper, and an article tells of a quiet young teenager going on a rampage and killing their school friends or a mild mannered person erupting in anger, killing their spouse and children, for supposedly no obvious or apparent reason, I can comprehend the depths of suppressed emotions and feelings that are the cause. Fortunately, for myself and what little self-esteem I had during that time, I never once crossed the line between a ‘verbal and a physical angry outburst’ - my friends letting me know, when I apologised and sought forgiveness, that what I actually said during these times made little sense, and often sounded like gibberish..... When I was having a discussion with one of my teachers the day after one of my eruptions, she explained that it was so confusing for everyone to understand, as I was the peacemaker in my peer group, I was the responsible one who always completed my homework, doing my chores in time and helping my friends. I made the most difficult lessons at school look effortless in my comprehension to my classmates, my friends relying on me to help them whenever they struggled. Years later, I realised that in it self was a key to expressing my pent-up emotions and resolving them. I always have time for everyone in my life, family, friends, clients and strangers a like, listening, supporting, consoling, helping, fixing... except time for myself. Anger however mild, and any other negative emotions and feelings for that matter, needs your own attention and personal time to be acknowledged, identified, explored, constructively expressed, resolved, released and let go! Otherwise, anger becomes a mask for fear or hurt, it leads to resentments and frustrations that can simmer within you... A subtle toxin that seethes away in your system as virulent as any known disease, strangling and eating away at your energy, causing illness in your body, convoluting your perceptions and eroding your awareness and sense of self and esteem, that literally consumes everything you are and that can dangerously erupt. I was able to resolve much of my childhood and teenage anger and underlying fears in the early part of my twenty’s, through my husbands loving support, listening ear and patient guidance. The more difficult challenge was to break the established patterns and habits of suppressing and repressing my more ‘negative’ emotions and feelings, as I was conditioned in the first twenty years of my life to believe that even having these was simply wrong. Learning to acknowledge, identify, explore, constructively express, resolve, release and let go of my more negative emotions and feelings has taken the last twenty years.... and I am still learning. *Smile* Negative emotions and feelings and especially anger, held inside and contained (or even negatively expressed in outbursts), causes physical illness in our Body’s, stress, chaotic thoughts and confusion in our Mind’s, emotional anguish and sorrow in our Heart’s, detachment and distraction from our Soul, and easily densifies our energy and Essence to coagulate and form as added weight and extra centimetres on our tummy, hips and thighs, stagnating our creative energy, strangling our natural human expression of love, nurture and care and diminishing our feminine warmth and effervescence. ********************************************** Work It Out As It Happens..... Suppressing emotions and containing anger is the worst possible thing to do, directing it outwards towards another or inwards towards yourself, is just as harmful and detrimental to your well-being. One moment of anger can cause months, even years of heartache and sorrow, requiring that you seek forgiveness from another and forgiving yourself. Learning the process of first acknowledging, then identifying, exploring, constructively expressing, resolving, releasing and finally letting go of my anger and underlying core emotions has helped me to deal with my previously suppressed past emotions..... and now I try and work things out as they happen, dealing with my feelings as they occur, which allows my life to be simpler, and much more balanced and harmonious. However, there are still times when I struggle with bouts of negative emotion, and knowing that repressing them will just cause more anger and anxiety..... I have determined a more immediate and positive approach. Below are my personal perspectives of how to resolve some of my more conflicted emotions and find resolution, releasing and letting them go.
In most situations, the above five steps work very well for me, to the extent that in the last 20 years there have been times when I have gone for months, even years at a time without feeling any anger or resentment and then of course had no need to go through the process. The anger, resentment and frustration I felt towards my mother and father twenty years ago, required a much deeper and more continuous process due to the evolving and dynamically changing relationship that a child shares with her parents.... and that is another story to be shared in another article.... Taking responsibility for your own health and well-being and simply being willing to heal your own inner conflict, feelings and emotions, often opens your heart to find the path to take the steps you need to resolution, releasing, forgiveness and letting go.... and on a journey of transformation and realising inner joy, balance and harmony..... within yourself and in your life. Anger, and the results of volatile expressed anger are becoming more apparent in our business environment, local communities and the world at large.... which is too big a problem for any one person to resolve, however we can get the help we need to resolve any of our own anger and issues and those that occur in our family, being responsible to create harmony within and peace in our family and home. Wishing you health in Body, peace in Mind, happiness in Heart and miracles in your Life! Love and Laughter to You and Yours! [ Email ] ********************************************** |